Getting blazed out of your mind is one of life's great joys. And now that it's legal in an increasing number of states, it's even more relaxing to just stretch out on your back porch or kick your feet up on the coffee table and reach your perfect level. Whether you like to watch movies, hang with friends, or just look up at the stars, marijuana can take your mind to places that nothing else can.
Being mind-blowingly stoned is great, except when you suddenly have to take care of business. When you're so stoned that you're swimming through reality and every thought is a creative starburst, you're not exactly in your best problem-solving, action-taking state of mind. So if something important comes up right in the middle of your mega-sesh, it's a good idea to have a few techniques to clear your head fast.
Today, we're here to share the secrets of the true stoner: How to get back-to-functional when you've smoked yourself onto cloud nine.
Disclaimer: This Won't Make You "Sober"
The first thing we gotta share is that 'clearing your head' is not the same as sobering up. If emergency strikes while you're totally blazed, no amount of coffee will make it safe to get behind the wheel, operate a forklift, or perform surgery. You're still going to be mega-stoned, but you'll have more control over your thoughts and movements by reducing the high and increasing your mental reaction time.
So whether your buddy needs an emergency ride home or there was just a knife accident in the kitchen, you'll need to make smart decisions about what it's safe for you to do in an alert-but-stoned state of mind.
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Drink Water and Work Out
The number one best way to clear your mind and reduce your high quickly is to pump the THC out of your system. To do this, you'll need a lot of water and heart-pounding blood flow.
Start by drinking a big glass of water. Then do whatever exercise you like best that can get your heart pounding. If you like to run, go for a run. If you lift weights, grab your bar or barbells and pump a little iron. If you don't have a favorite exercise, do squats. Pumping the blood in your legs with deep-knee squats is one of the most powerful ways to quickly circulate your blood possible.
Do about 5 minutes of hard exercise (or until you're gasping, whichever comes first) then drink another full glass of water. Your mind should already be clearing. Keep doing this until you feel too full of water or too exhausted to continue. Or until you feel clear-headed enough to take care of your situation.
Eat Something Spicy
Food, especially food with oils, can help to absorb the THC in your bloodstream. This is actually why your body creates the "munchies" sensation when you smoke that really good green shit. It's trying to absorb the THC faster and carry it out through the digestive system. However, as you well know, indulging in a big greasy burger when you're mega-stoned is a quick trip to nap-land.
If you need to reduce your high fast, don't go for heavy food. Instead, prioritizes something lightweight and spicy like tacos or chips and salsa. The oil on the chips will help absorb the THC while the capsaicin ("hot" in spice terms) will help wake up your brain like salsa always does. And the urge to nap while digesting will be minimal if you're careful not to stuff yourself.
Just eat one or two crunchy tacos, or a handful of chips with salsa, then drink more water and do another set of exercises.
Catch a Shower
Now that you're sweating from the exercise and the ultra-hot salsa you just snacked on, jump in the shower. Both super hot and cool/cold water can help to shock your body awake. It's basically the same technique you use in the morning to wake up when your eyes are still sticky from marijuana-assisted dreamless sleep.
The shower will also wash away any THC that is being excreted through your sweat. When THC is in your bloodstream, the exercise sweats it out and the shower will carry it away. Combined with the temperature shock, this is a great way to accelerate your sobriety.
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Sharp Clean Smells
There's a reason smelling salts are used to wake up someone who's fainted. Your nose sends chemical signals directly to the brain and can help to override your high in favor of quick wakefulness. If you have a few bottles of Blunt Power air freshener, pick the sharpest, cleanest smell you can find. Eucalyptus, Mint, and Menthol scents are the most powerful for a wake-up call the same way chamomile and lavender can put you to sleep.
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Take a Shot of Espresso
If caffeine is your thing, grab a shot of your strongest. Whether you prefer coffee, soda, or 5 Hour Energy, give yourself a quick strong dose of caffeine. Like the exercise, caffeine will get your heart pumping and the chemical has a natural ability to make your mind feel sharper. Caffeine can also be used to counteract the slow reaction time of being stoned. But not enough to drive, don't make the classic DUI mistake. We'd hate to see that happen to a rookie.
If you don't have something especially strong like espresso or caffeine shots, then chug a cola for a similar dose.
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Have a Friend Scare You
Another option is to try a shot of adrenaline instead. Your body has a natural survival response that will heighten your senses and reaction time no matter how stoned you were to start with. But it only works if you can convince yourself that there is genuine danger and a life-or-death type of situation.
So if your friends can scare you, much like one might conquer a bad case of hiccups, you can use adrenaline to quickly clear your mind and give yourself a temporary performance boost. You may even feel completely sober if successfully scared (though you won't really be sober) because adrenaline is the primo way to fully blow a buzz in favor of survival. But a surprise "Boo!" probably won't be enough.
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When you need to come down fast to deal with a serious situation, these techniques can help. No matter how many clouds you've floated away on over the course of the afternoon or evening, a ton of water, workout, caffeine, and a touch of the spicy food, your head will be clearing and your reaction times will be speeding up in no time.
Never get caught slipping. Never get caught stankin again!
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